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Monday, October 26th, 2009
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Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
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Last week I found out one of my close friends is in a coma via an AZcentral article.
http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2009/10/18/20091018fluvigil1018.html#
I cannot tell you how much this sucks and how much all of us finding out through the internet SUCKED. I went to see him a few days after he was admitted to the hospital in ICU and I thought, "Ok, it's just pneumonia. He doesn't have the best lungs, he'll fight it off." Now this. And now every day is terrifying. I wake up hoping my friend is still here, that he's gotten better- he has to get better. I feel heartbroken. I miss my friend. I love you, Justin. Please get better. I wish we could go on a bike ride.
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Sunday, October 11th, 2009
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the past two weeks have been so intense for me.
i was confronted with mental obstacle course after mental obstacle course and kept taking the beatings despite what it was doing to me. sometimes i think i need weeks like that to keep myself in check. you get so lost in everything going on around you that you forget about your own strengths and fail to acknowledge your weaknesses. i think i shot myself in the foot earlier on, because now i'm backing out of yet another potential relationship. i don't always notice adam's ghost creeping on my shoulder, horns and all. it's the memory of him serving as a reminder of how ultimately fucked up you were for months because you surrendered yourself to your feelings. sorry, fella. just can't do it. i'm not ready to be down in the dirt again.
i went to flagstaff yesterday and on the way home today we hung around oak creek. the picture quality is terrible, but you can get the gist of it.
my kind of therapy.
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Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
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Sunday, September 27th, 2009
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you don't deserve to be held to standards men don't hold themselves to, and neither do i.
the older i get the more i realize how truly brutal it can be being a female. you are up against male-righteousness and ignorant, uneducated women a lot of the time and being young doesn't help validate your feelings or opinions any further. some sad, angry girl tried to get at my throat at a bar a couple weeks ago, and her reasoning for doing so were because of an abortion and because i'm a "slut". slut? why? because i don't hold my boyfriend's coat at his shows? don't females like you see what you do to our gender? being called a slut is a surface insult (in my opinion) but don't you see what you're allowing? you and yours alike make me sad for women. fortunately, there are more of us than you, and not one of us could give a fuck about adhering to your bullshit to begin with.
still going strong, and still happy. sorry to disappoint some of you, but i'll be over here, enjoying my lfie.
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Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
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growing up is weird.
i feel conflicted between this small desire to be more domestic, and on the other hand the repulsion i feel thinking about all the women that let go of their independence and ambitions at 25. i don't really understand wanting to be tamed yet also always having one foot out the door.
i love that october is days away. my summer was so exhausting and great all at the same time.
i thought i totally blew it with you, but you were easier to smooth things over with than i thought. you're 35 and seemingly completely wrong for me, but you calm me down better than anyone i know. it's too bad i can't take full advantage of it. the second you surrender yourself i'll get cold feet.
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Saturday, September 12th, 2009
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there are drunk people blaring mariachi music and taking over my quiet, little courtyard.
i spent the past two weeks renovating my apartment yet again. i put a dent in my savings consequently, but it looks wonderful. i'm so happy with my home and everything else around me. living on roosevelt is so convenient and i've grown very attached to our little community. i'm looking forward to the weather being less and less miserable everyday. having to take a second shower every time i ride my bike in the day time is becoming a pain in the ass. graham might be coming to visit in the winter, which rules. i miss all of my out-of-state pals. i also just sold over 160 records that i had ordered. hello, rent.
life is good.
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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
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| Time: | 9:17 pm. |
| Music: | pissed jeans. |
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shit, i don't know. i'm just doing well.
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Thursday, August 20th, 2009
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i'm in san diego wide awake without weed or the ability to turn my brain off. everyone is sound asleep snoring around me. they don't realize how lucky they are. i wish my switch flipped that easily. bouncing from bills from my recent hospital visits to an out-of-state vacation didn't show up in my forecast so i'm kind of in a weird, contemplative mindset about everything. my best friend wrote me one of the meanest letters ever written to me a few weeks ago. the cruelty didn't stem as much from the words as it did the sender. anytime a friend's judgments towards you surface it feels like getting sucker-punched in the throat. the possibility is obviously there, you just didn't see it coming as quickly as you'd have liked. not that the impact would have been any different. i'm not in your square box. i could say that i'm sorry you feel i've allowed myself to be objectified by men, but that's a lie. "you speak of feminism, but..."
whoa, whoa, whoa. lets back up. why are women always the used? i'm not a helpless creature- i'm capable of using them right back. women that are able to disconnect, or treat sex impersonally are always subjected to this sort of scrutiny. i don't fit your mold, i don't paint myself your color, and i can't make apologies for that. i can't make apologies for doing things that i do feel in control of. it's not compulsion, it's realistic. i'm sick of living under a man's thumb and law, and i'm sick of seeing women feel ashamed for not expecting or desiring a romantic follow-up after an orgasm. i don't need a man to love me after climax if i went on in wanting nothing but the touch and go. conscious control and the way it's carried are what make a real woman in my eyes, not what society has shoved down our throats as acceptable behavior for my fellow females. you have the right to love, or not love the way you want and no amount of insults, judgments, or dirty looks can take that away from me or you. these are always the same people. the kind of people that support abortion, and the decriminalization of prostitution, but are just as quick to call a girl a slut at a bar.
guess what? i'm proud of myself for being able to separate and distinguish sex and love. in it's own way it's made both a much more intimate experience for me and i'm thankful for that sort of clarity. i'm thankful that i've become so much more concerned with character than numbers over the years. i wish you believed in yourself more so i could believe in you too like i used to. you meant the world to me. but if you or anyone else wants to tell me i'm a whore, objectified, self-righteous, or delusional, then fuck you. i was set free the minute i stopped curtseying around their opinions of what a man's role is, and a woman's. if you're on my team, you'd see that, you'd at least treat me with respect, not slander.
this isn't about a soapbox, looks, or whether you spell woman with an "a" or a "y". this is about owning what's rightfully yours- your body. i wont be one to tell any of you what to do with it. that's my whole goddamn point, so show me the same or don't show anything at all. i've wasted enough time on people that can't see farther than their own nose.
and by the way, kathleen hanna was a stripper.
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for fucks sake, stop wearing glasses if you don't actually need glasses. this is the most nonsensical fashion accessory i've seen since you retards started wearing keffiyehs as scarves.
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Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
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| Time: | 1:28 pm. |
| Music: | bratmobile. |
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we all planned for our hike at oak creek canyon, passed oak creek canyon, and just went on to flagstaff. i have been so, so, so tired. all i want to do is sleep lately. i want to blame it on the heat but i know my brain is what's exhausting me. speculating every day whether or not i'm doing the best thing(s) possible for myself and my loved ones is wearing on my nerves. calm down, lady. you ARE doing your best. oh, thanks reassurance.
i wish it wasn't so hot at night. it would be great to find some relief during the summer so i could actually enjoy riding my beautiful bicycle. no such luck. i started djing at bikini mondays and that's been nice. playing records for my friends and drinking tasty beers is an excellent hobby to occupy my free time with.
there's indecision radiating off of me. i like him, then ten minutes later i'm ready to leave. yet he's the first person i run to when a bad day fucks me sideways. what's that about? i'm being fickle.
shark week-ing, all over the place.
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O.K., let me just get this out of the way now. this is MY "journal". if you don't like something you've read you have the option to delete me at anytime. please don't make snide comments because you don't share the same view as me. i mean, you know, since we're all such adults. so, while the window is always open, feel free to take the time now to delete me if this behavior applies to you. this isn't selective reading hour and nothing written in here is entered to appease anyone but myself.
thanks, livejournal friends (and livejournal lurks).
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Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
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| Time: | 4:21 pm. |
| Music: | replacements. |
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i got a normal job and i'm so bummed out about it, but i know it's very much needed as my gig as a nanny is coming to a halt in less than a week. the timing is perfect. i am still the most confusing person i know.
does anyone else see the irony sandwich in having someone try to serve you with a restraining order only to hear later that the same person tried to stab someone? holy shit.
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i think my only complaints right now are honestly fears of consequences and scrutiny.
july has left me with so much room for so many realizations and changes. july is always that month for me. it's hard to say if it ultimately hurt me more than it did me good, but i'd like to say the latter. i still think this month is a curse. coming home from my trip was hard for me for a couple reasons. mainly accepting the things, people, and situations that are just beyond my control. sonic youth was incredible, as expected. i was glad to go with graham and andy and the pot exceeded my expectations of what birmingham had to offer after previous visits. seriously though, they have this magical ambiance when they play and you see thurston curling those "cool dad" lips around his microphone.
these pictures are lame, but it's like, hey, i was there. remember that?
 
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little confused.
coming back here i had no intentions of reopening any old wounds and maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the jetlag, or the alcohol, but i was angry at you. i was angry that you couldn't even look at me, and i was even more angry that you see me as the same person that i was back then. it hurt because it made me second-guess myself for a minute. turns out after a full night's rest, it wasn't anything. it wasn't anything because i'm not the same person, and to my own gratification (and dismay), you are. everyone around you is changing and growing but you. i just wish i had realized sooner. it would have saved me the two hours of discomfort and headache.
i saw at least twenty faces i recognized within 5 minutes at the bar last night which made me think "fuck, phoenix doesn't look so bad in this light." but i enjoyed it. i enjoyed being somewhere different, no matter how familiar it looked. sonic youth on sunday.
birmingham is a strange, strange city.
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Thursday, June 25th, 2009
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i am out of phoenix and on to a plane to see shannen on the 9th. hallefuckinglujah.
repetition is really taking it's tole on me which tells me that i really need a few new changes in my life to keep my motor running otherwise i am going to get sucked into a black whole filled with same songs, faces, and situations that flood this city. i am in no doubt going through a weird, and almost surreal transition in my life. though, i feel a lot less weary of it now and more anxious to see how everything unfolds for me the next couple months ahead.
team ashley is doing ok, i just need to remember to keep pushing to maintain my own independence.
michael jackson died today? fuck, thriller was my joint when i was a little kid.
speaking of joints...
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this is in my dad's closet right now, it's beautiful.
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Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
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this was so fun last night
i got a raise!
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sonic youth in july
amazing friends
amazing bike
amazing weed
great job(s)
great apartment
great summer
all of the road trips and pool parties and good nights have really taken the edge off everything that had me stressed before. i've never enjoyed a summer in arizona so much. this new job has given me the ability to be completely self-sufficient and it's such a gratifying feeling being able to provide for myself. shit, i wish i could have started feeling this good months ago. now all i have to do is start planning and looking for a house for shannen and i in phoenix.
i love this.
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went to vegas on sunday- hated it.
on our way back to arizona we decided to go swimming at lake mead and i loved it. i still can't get over how beautiful it was and how good it felt to swim around in it.
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